You're Married to an Alcoholic

Being married to a functioning alcoholic can cause many problems in a family. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with this issue.

A drinking problem can begin in many ways. For some people it begins with social drinking. Social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor. Alcohol is alcohol in any shape or form.

Now your partner has shifted from enjoying a drink to compulsively needing alcohol to feel okay. And you may have shifted from being giving and caring to being addicted to your partner's care. Compulsive caretaking often grows alongside the deteriorating self-care of the compulsive drinker.

If the alcoholic has more or less continued to hold down a job, he is politely called a "functioning alcoholic." But he is an alcoholic nonetheless. He works a great deal below his potential, he neglects or abuses his family and he may not live very long if he continues the self-abuse.

Young people ages 18 to 25 have the highest prevalence of binge drinking (38.7 percent) and heavy drinking (13.6 percent), with a peak rate (48.2 percent for binge and 17.8 percent or heavy drinking) occurring at age 21, according to the 2001 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse.

Like all addicts, he lies (bold faced lies, lies of omission, cover-ups, and minimization), he makes excuses, he blames others for his drinking, and he continues to seek out and use alcohol despite the consequences.

If there are children present, they copy the lying, justifying, blaming behavior which they see modeled. They also learn to keep family secrets and to cover for their alcoholic parent. In other words they join in the "dance of alcohol" and participate with their parents, learning how to be alcoholics or how to live with them when they grow up.

If the alcoholic is not ready to reach out for help, efforts by friends and family to try to force them to admit to the problem, usually causes more problems. It's only when the consequences of their drinking become painful enough that they will they reach out for help.

If you are an alcoholic and you are in a marriage, you may have to leave your drinking behind completely in order to gain any hope of reversing the progressive damage your alcoholism is inflicting on yourself and your family.

If you are living with a functioning alcoholic, there are steps you can take too. Perhaps more importantly at first, there are things you can learn to avoid so that you don't further your partner's alcoholism. Making excuses for him, for example, only makes things worse. You don't want to be an enabler or a rescuer.

The Alcoholism Test
Over the years in my psychology practice many women have started their first session with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." In the last few days alone two more women took the Alcoholism Test and left a comment opening with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." I seldom see or hear the statement without also sensing an undertone of desperation and frustration, as if to say, I didn't bargain for this when we got married.

Alcoholism has reached dangerous levels in Russia, where it is estimated that roughly one-third of all deaths are related, either directly or indirectly, to alcoholism or alcohol abuse. Unfortunately, attempts by the Russian government to control drinking by closing distilleries, breweries, and bars, have boomeranged and have instead created a widespread black market for alcohol, as well as a nation of people who have become skilled at hiding their alcohol problems.

The Book on Alcoholism
Some time ago I started to write a "survival guide" for women caught in the predicament of a marriage troubled with alcoholism. It is now available as the e-book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. Although it is addressed to women who live with alcoholic husbands, it could be addressed to men with alcoholic wives.

Whether you are a man or a woman, your hope begins with the first step of educating yourself about the alcohol abuse. Like all personal change, it starts with you. Are you ready to take that step?

Few who have been affected by the disease of alcoholism realize that by "protecting" the alcoholic with little lies and deceptions to the outside world, which have slowly but surely increased in size and dimension, she has actually created a situation that makes it easier for him to continue -- and progress -- in his downward spiral. Rather than help the alcoholic, and herself, she has actually enabled him to get worse.

Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist, author and columnist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice, helping capable people who feel stuck. He is psychological consultant to the Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a private addiction rehab center for men. Dr. Neill writes practical articles to help you help yourself to a happier and more fulfilling life. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. http://www.neillneill.com

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Interventions should be carefully planned and developed by professional substance abuse counselors who are experienced in such procedures. The primary purpose of an intervention is to get the alcoholic to go into a treatment program.

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According to the research findings, in 2002, only 16.2% of youth who drank abusively or who were alcohol dependent received treatment for their drinking problems. Findings such as these reinforce the idea that a major alcohol awareness educational effort is needed in this country that targets every student, from K to 12 and including college students. That is all students need to become more aware of the unhealthy and destructive consequences of excessive, abusive, and irresponsible drinking behavior.

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Alcohol Essentials

You're Married to an Alcoholic - What To Do?

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